Aloneness ≠ Loneliness

I’m a fairly social kinda lass. I thrive in a team, mostly so I can go on mid-afternoon dairy runs and gossip about who did who over the weekend.

So when I woke up on day uno numero of self-employment, I wasn’t prepared for the feeling of complete abandonment when Husband trotted off to his nine-to-five and I was left alone in our apartment with no one but my giraffe onesie to keep me company.

There were many alone moments during that first week. My house was so silent. I had no new emails, no new clients, and no new Facebook likes. I lived directly above a dairy so I indulged in solo mid-afternoon dairy runs, but it just wasn’t the same when the return journey literally took 34 seconds, the only gossip I could talk to myself about was what I might cook for dinner that night, and my mid-afternoon dairy run was actually taken mid-morning simply because I had nothing else to do. (And then I took a mid-afternoon dairy run because I still didn’t have anything to do. And a pre-end-of-the-day dairy run so I could say I’d done something with my day. Don’t judge me.)

If left unattended, aloneness can become loneliness, and it took me a while to separate the two. While Husband got to hang out with other human beings during the day, I got to hang out a gargantuan blow fly that had somehow got trapped in our kitchen. Sleep-ins were nice yet very lazy. Solo beach strolls were lovely yet loserdom-affirming. I couldn’t text my friends and be all like, “Heyyyyyyy bitchez, wanna hang out?” because they all had things to do – specifically not keeping me company. The more I spent by myself, the more I felt like I only had myself.

But.

The more I spent by myself and the more I felt like I only had myself, the more I realised that that was kind of the point. I worked for myself. I had no ‘The Man’. I WAS my ‘The Man’. And that meant I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, however I wanted *snap snap*, and no one was going to tell me it was wrong or I couldn’t do it. (Except for maybe my insecurities, but that was just because I’d never had total control of my destiny before.) I started to voice my ideas and dreams to Husband and close friends. The people whose opinions I value more than anyone else’s gathered around me with unlimited high-fives and youcandoits. And aloneness which had strayed into loneliness territory metamorphosed into self-employment that actually put food on the table.

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